flying on broken thoughts

i am so confused right now.... again. lol oh well, i guess that's a usual thing with me nowadays...

i played paintball last night... alot, about 5 hrs worth, from 7-12... got the marks to prove it... the one mark that i didn't get, thank god, but can say happened is the shooting of my nether regions... that hurt really bad.. lol i was on the ground for like 2 minutes in the middle of that damn game... after i finally hobbled off, the culprit apologized multiple times, and i became near-immortalized on the field... "hey, aren't u the guy that got shot in the nuts? really? man, i would never be able to get up after that one... u got some balls dude" yeah, unfortunately they were shot off... lol oh well, i'm all better now... paintball was hella fun, and will definately fill my void for right now, until the right gal comes along...

work today sucked, i got home at 1.30 from paintball... totally drained, and had to wake up at 7 to go to work... suxor! oh well, i only messed up a coupla times, although i'm dead... mood today is depressed/stoked/confusion. i guess... i'm sad cuz i'm alone, but i'm stoked cuz i'm playing and hanging out with my friends more... confused cuz of courtney, of course... this girl, i don't know what her effect over me is, but only one other girl i know of has that effect...

i try to say i don't give a shit about her, courtney that is, but no matter what, i find myself wondering how she is.... if she 's happy... why is that? oh well, maybe i'm just a big stupid.. hopefully i'll hook up with some girls sometime soon, it's lonely out here all alone and stuff... haha... but anyways, i guess i should focus on school more, but i can honestly say that i'm all schooled out... for shizzle or some shit...

paintball all the way baby! i'm gonna take that shit out, and live it up... it is an awesome game that will tire u out so fast.... total adrenaline.... wow... anyways, this emo kid's gotta go out.. i guess, got shiza to do... or something...

later guys, rock out with ur cock out! and don't forget to send flowers! or some shit...

"once you leave neverland, you forget how to fly"

broken wings

i've heard that the perfect story is centered around betrayl... if i were to write the story of my life right now, it'd probably be the perfect story...


i'm interested to see how it ends...

on the verge of sanity

i am slowly creeping on the verge of sanity and i don't know what to do... hehe on a serious note...

college is creeping up on me really fast, and i'm beginning to notice alot of things... like for one, girls suck, and that i shouldn't get involved in a relationship but i want to really bad... oh well, on another note, i gotta sign up for the sats... eww oh well, i'm working on it!

meh, another day come, another day spent alone... blah, i'm learning to live with it... my friend is talking about breaking up with his g/f... i told him he should, cuz he is only 17 and has much life to live, plus, he won't have any fun if we go to cancun this summer, and he can't do anything...
but w/e, i'm trying to tough it out till i go to college, i guess... unless this girl gets off her butt and asks me out! lol, that'll never happen tho...

it's so wierd cuz i've been on dates with other girls, but none really mean anything to me... but i haven't been on any dates with this one girl, and she's pretty much all i think about... i don't even see myself with these other girls, but i see myself with her... and it can't be... GRR!@$@# oh well, that's life, shit happens and you move on....

so i'll move on, i guess....

breathing

i'm barely breathing, and i don't know why... i can't find air, it's as if i'm underwater, and although i see the surface, i can't reach it no matter how hard i swim.... am i destined to drown in this puddle of shame and depression, or is someone fated to pull me out, to live out yet another day in the life of an unwanted person? is it easier to fill a person's shoes, shoes which are so big, not even the heavens can contain them? or is it easier to let that person fade away, along with all of the beliefs and morals? tell me, because that person is i, and i would like to know...

we'll see what happens to this person... we'll see where he ends up, and what he will become.... we'll see who saves him, or who lets him drown....

we'll see who will give him breath to live another day, or who will strike that last breath form him with the fury only seen in hell...

we'll see all of this sooner or later...

come and gone

it's been a while, no? yes... well, today i learned that you should never sit next to someone who takes up 1 and a half seats in a movie theater... can you say cramped? anyways....

i give up. well, i've given up long ago, but i give up indefinately now. i hate how i try to date other people, only to find that nobody is like me... nobody is like the person i am, and that sucks... nobody is a match for me, but 2 people, both of which i need to put out of my mind and maybe life as well... one of them is an ex, the other... she's her... lol... but i don't know why i'm like this... maybe when i go to college i can be someone else, someone more "normal..." oh well...

now i have nothing to do but work and school, and maybe this will give me a chance to save some money in the process...

i think i'm too mature, relationship wise... i am a person who is ready to start something serious and settle down, when i'm surrounded by people who aren't as serious.... i'm a person who is ready to live with someone for the rest of my life, when everyone else is getting hyped up about living alone for the first time.... i feel so old compared to these people...

maybe i'll run into someone who is like me, sometime soon, cuz being alone sucks...

on another note, courtney is acting wierd... lately she's been kinda wierd... oh well... like today, she was actually concerned about my well-being? what's up with that? and i saw her looking at me the way she used to... when she "loved" me... w/e... i'm trying to say fuck it in that area, trying to create a void that won't be connected anytime soon... it's hard, ripping yourself from someone you want to be with... even through all the deceit and whatnot, i think i would still give it another go with her.... that's just how i am, call me stupid, or what have you, but that's me and i'm sorry....

i'm sorry for being me... how wierd is that? oh well... obviously being me is not what people want, so why not? why don't i be someone else? yeah... i'll do that in another life, but for now i'll be me... and let people hate me for being me....

i just wish some people would see me and love me accordingly....

nothing

a little poem my emo mind thought up...

i look into your eyes and see nothing,
a nothingness so vast, not even the skies can rival it,
a nothingness so pure, god himself stares in awe,
a nothingness i wish as my own, so that i may make something with it,

i look into your eyes, and am stunned by your beauty,
Stunned by the desire to hold you, and never let you go,
controlled by cupids arrow, i float deep inside your soul,
and become one with your body, one with you...

and so for an instance, i'm the air around you,
so that you may breathe nothing but me,
and for a moment, i'm the light around you,
the glorious blast that sets you free,

i look into your eyes, and see everything,
and finally i can see my angel,
for just a moment i know why you are so beautiful,
nd for one brief instance i wish to feel the brush of your lips,
to know what it is to kiss my angel.

if i could kiss you, for just a second,
i would know what an angel's kiss was,
to have my lips brush yours, if only in passing,
would quench every desire i have for you,
and unleash the beast called love that burns for you...

-angel flores

that light at the end

that light at the end, the end of the tunnel, it's growing smaller, getting further away... it seems as though i escape one problem and fall into another... escape one pain, and embrace one more... why? i must enjoy it, cuz i seem to do it so much to myself... oh well, that's life, no?

although not all is bad in the world of angel. i have my friends, one of whom i may go out on a date with on thursday... yay.

i'm so ready to leave, to go somewhere where people don't know me, where people i don't know exsist... i'm so ready to start a new leaf, a clean slate upon which to chisel my story... my newfound sanctuary.... i'm so ready to be the person i know i can be, without the pressure of being someone i'm not. i'm ready to embrace life, and search for love once more, for the search has failed me here...

i'm ready to quit my life here, and take up the reins of a life elsewhere. i'm ready to quit everything here.... to leave everyone, save a select few, and forget my past... to run amuck somewhere else with people who understand me... to never see familiar faces again... im ready to erase this pain from my mind and recover a part of myself i thought i had lost....

i'm ready... don't bother to wait for me, for i will never return, and i will leave no trace as to who i am and where i'm going....

my oasis...

tonight i sever my ties with reality. i sever my ties with all of the outside world, save a select few, and create my own little oasis, one where anyhting i can imagine can be. an oasis where i can never get hurt, one where nobody gets hurts ever again, cuz i'm so sick of it...

i'm so sick of hurting people i love, so sick of tearing apart lives of people who deserve better... so sick of feeling the need to improve myself for others, so sick of myself... i'm sick of feeling like this, like there is something out there, but of course there never will be.... i'm so tired of trying to make everyone else work, while i fall apart before their eyes... and yet i can't help it...

i can't help but sacrifice my every last ounce of strength to help that one last person be happy again. i can't help but sacrifice everything i hold on to, so that someone else can have hope themselves. i can't help but lead myself on to things that i know will never exsist, but still take form before my eyes... and nobody is there.

nobody is there to fix me, when i'm so blatantly breaking down. nobody is here, to rescue me, as i drown in this abyss, this endless pit of confusion mixed with the tar of fear. nobody wants to rescue someone who can't rescue himself... why should they? nobody is there to take away my demons when they plague my mind. nobody is there to respond to the pleading calls which i make from within my soul.... i must escape...

i need to escape to my oasis, my safe haven, made for myself alone. to escape to a place where pain does not exsist, a place where anything can happen and everyone who i imagine is happy and free. to escape to a place where heartbreak is a word of the past, and love an idea of the future...it's obvious nobody here is right for me, so what better thing to do than to create a place where everyone is how i want them to be, and i need not fret with the obstacles of life...

it's my oasis, my life apart from this, my happiness apart from insanity... my oasis, my love, my hope, my desire, all bottled up into a single idea, made for me alone. my oasis, a place where skies are always blue, and pain is never felt, where birds sing songs of joy, and unhappiness is forgotten.

i'm afraid of being here alone... so utterly afraid... but what can one do? nothing at all but look onward, in the eyes of progress, as they say...

i'll look onward, at your world... from the window of my oasis...

lost in the abyss called love

lost in the abyss called love am i... how did i do this again? i know not... i find myself facing a delimma i never have faced before, and i find myself torn between two alternatives....

i can't imagine what is going to happen, nor do i want to, but maybe putting all of this on my journal will help clarify things...

one the one hand, i could tell this girl how i am feeling, and have her even more confused and swayed by her emotions, or i could keep myself severed from her emotionally, and then let her be happy and keep myself sane in the process...

the question is how do i feel about her? i don't know... i love her, that is known, but how much? do i confess the extent to which i care about her, or do i only hint at what could be and leave it at that...

the girl herself is in a confused state as well. she's bouncing between what physical attraction she has towards me, or what emotional connection she has with her b/f... yeah... i don't know what is going on anymore... scary.

i don't want to interfere with her life, and it seems i have no choice... she is my best friend... my confidant... my... she is too much to me...

maybe that is why i have these conflicting feelings... i will always be left with the wonder of what could have been... but i am afraid of trying to start something... i am afraid of everything...

i am afraid of starting something i can't finish, afraid of falling deeper in love with someone and losing her again, afraid of being afraid....

i am so scared of what could happen that right now i shiver when i think about it...

it could easily become the best experience or the worst in my life... and i think not of the connections that could be made or broken...

she and i have so much in common, can understand each other so well, it uncanny... but at the same time, i don't want to rip away a part of her she will always need, and i think it would hurt more to know that she is with me and needs someone else than being with the person she needs and me being her friend....

if i could just kiss her once, feel the caress of her lips against mine, for just an instant, to feel the flicker of a spark that will never be, the spark that would ignite a firey relationship... i would be whole... to kiss the one person who truly understands me... the most pure person i can see in my eyes at this moment, the most beautiful, innocent, graceful being on this earth, to say that i touched her lips with mine, would be a gift from heaven...

if i could kiss an angel....

the pain of letting go

sigh* i don't know what's wrong with me... i try to see myself as someone who will be moving on in the world... but i am under so much stress i don't know if i can cut it anymore...

school is killing me, life is killing me, everything is going crazy, and i'm going down with it...

work was sucky and goood today, i'm deciding whether or not i will quit.... maybe i'll stick it out, i don't know... but i banked 120ish today... wee...

on another note, i feel terrible for dragging my friend into the delimma she is having with her b/f... she is an amazing girl... and it hurts so much to say it, but she is...but in the end, i don't know what will happen...

probably nothing...

it is so hard to do this, but i think i might have to move away from her a little bit, to ensure that nothing happens unless she really wants it to.. idon't want to influence her, i want her to choose for herself, and in the end know what she wants.... i don't want her to think she wants to be with me, and then end disappointed... that's worse than not being with her at all...

it hurts to let go

whoa

i can't believe what's happening... i'm crossing a line where i should have never gone, and now i can't go back.

i've told the one girl that loves me for me, and who i love indefinately, that i wanted to kiss her..
she has a b/f and everything and now my head is spinning...

tlaking to her gives me so much relesase, seeing her even more... and i can be nothing more but a friend... that's all i can have and all i'll let myself take at this point.

to have someone so amazing so close to me, it's crazy... and i'm thankful i have her as a friend....

but one will always be left to wonder as to what could have been...

i will not allow myself to pursue her though, because she is worthy of someone better than me, and has that.... i will not allow myself to bring her down, when she is already so far above me...

i will do anything to keep her happy, and i know that no matter what, her happiness lies with someone else, and i am willing to accept that as my own fate...

these are the words of an emokid, a kid who will sacrifice everything for one person...
a romantic who will wait until his end to find the right person, and in the sense, that person may never meet me...

i want to tell this girl how much i would take care of her, how much i would be there... but those words can never be said, because in the end, it will never happen....

so i'll emo on, on my emo way, and continue my emoness till emo-come

my dad, the master of emotion...

my dad.... sigh... heh, no, really, my father is probably the one man that i will always look up to...

today, he came into the restauraunt with my family, and as they were getting ready to leave, i had time to talk to them.... i told them i had a date tomorrow night, and my dad was like really? and my sister asked if it was wierd that i still work with courtney, who is my ex...

after i said no, my father said, "See, us guys, we look at relationships, and after they're done we say eh, shit happens, and move on..."

wow... that made my night...

but as i thought about it after they left and left me a 20$ tip... umm i realized that, hey, shit does happen...

i'm tired of living a life where i dwell on the past... the only thing i regret i can't take back, and that's not the fact that courtney and i broke up... it was probably necessary that we did... but i can't say what i regret....

i'm done with the past, and looking to the future, i guess starting today... we'll see where tomorrow takes me... hopefully the date goes well, and i have fun.. :D if not, then fuck it, and move on, no?

yes....


thank you dad, for punching it into me the easy way....

open, and alone

sometimes i wonder why i open myself up to people...

it's like rubbing salt, or squeezing lemon into a wound... it hurts so bad.

maybe i'm crazy, and enjoy hurting myself. yeah, that's probably it... lol

towards the end, work sucked, my manager wouldn't let me leave, for anything, so i cried.. lol j/k, i did my stuff and left like an hour and a half late.... oh well, i made 30 bucks tonight, which was okay, i guess...

i confessed to a friend of mine that i've had a crush on her for a long time, she already knew, but i told her why... it hurts so much to say it... but it's out in the open now...

hopefully she accepts that, and will do nothing, because she has a great relationship with her b/f right now.... so.. yeah

i think that's it for tonight, i'm tired and stuff...

another chance at reality...

it sucks trying to be thankful for everything that's happened today, no? yea, oh well...

moving on, i hung out with dustin, and got some new speakers for my car w00t! and to top that... um.. well you can't...

living without courtney opens so many freakin doors for myself, such as chances to date people... if i would stop being a friggin wuss all the time, maybe i'd get somewhere... au pue, that's life...

i'm contemplating going to clubs now... i just have to buy the proper attire and get the right nights off... yay... no... not at all.. i'm such a nerd when it comes to taking chances with girls, it's unbelievable...

not to say that i'm not attractive, i'm just really really.. umm... shy. yeah, shy...
yeeeeaaaahhh.... feeling rejuvinated and whatnot, ready to conquer all of lady-dome, so i'm gonna go hit it, sometime soon, i suppose...

one thing i'm gonna look into is pop dancing... that's incredible how they dance, and i'm gonna practice that.

i've also taken up writing songs again.... i'm an emo kid, so what the hell, let's write emo songs. i'm gonna try to break out of this emoshell tho and pursue more choices of writing... well i'm off to do whatever...

trying to start over, the old way...

i'm pulling my hair out, emotionally... lol...

it's so easy to say you're past everything and laugh about it. it's so easy to say you're okay when you're not, to laugh at things which you don't even find funny, to proclaim that you are happy when you are as lonely and sad as humanly possible...

it's so easy...

i try so hard every day to wear a smile and forget my past, to pretend that i never had one, to start over with a clean slate. i try so hard to pretend that i'm okay, when inside i'm screaming with all my might for someone to save me. i try so hard to pretend that it's going to be okay, and that i'm someone i'm not, trying to find solace in a place of pandemonium...

i try so hard...

this tangled skein i've woven is one that i'll never be able to pick apart and mend... i'm still shaken at how fast my world has fallen and i still try to create a new one... i try so hard to bottle up all of the loss and sorrow deep inside me, just so i can pretend to forget it, to hope that it'll stay lost in the abysmal well of pain already built up.

"it'll all get better" "the pain will go away" "you'll be okay" "it wasn't meant to be" "i'm sick of trying to keep us together" that's the one that remains the most vivid in my mind.

to have someone you'd willingly devote all you have to, someone you would care for without even thinking about it, someone who you would do anything, pay anything, sacrifice anything for, to have someone that special say that they are tired of trying to keep us together. that they can't do it anymore.... it rips you up inside...

i can't think, i can't eat half the time, i can't sleep at all....

trying to start over the old way, trying to start over with nothing of which to start with.... trying to create something new out of feelings that are already used... trying to forget something that has changed your life so drastically, and will ultimately destroy you...

trying to move on, when all you have is what is left behind you....

thankful for the life of an unwanted soul...

i almost died tonight... i still shudder at that thought... i have never been the best of drivers, but i always have been better than most. tonight that was proven to me, as i narrowly missed rear-ending a van at high speeds... which would have ended my life... no need to get into specifics, i was just evasive in my tatics as far as driving is concerned...

i am greatful for every day of life that i have, no matter how miserable or lonely it is... as i look back on the mistakes i've made, i most definately have regrets, but i am learning how to deal with them. you never know when you, or someone you care about will leave this world, so you have to live every day as if it is ur last... i just realized that today. i don't know why, but as i was speeding towards my almost certain death, the first thing i saw was courtney...

it was like seeing an angel, she was there, with light about her, and i proceeded into what may have been a future... it showed us together in a house, and we were laughing together on the couch... that was the first thing i saw... it was almost as if my body was acting without thought, cuz i could only think of her... but my body was moving and keeping me safe...

why do i still think about her the way i do? rhetorical questions jab at me every day, and i can do nothing to fend them off...

i still await the call of the one woman i would do damn near anything to have another chance, but know there never will be another chance.

i still await the chance to prove that i'm someone who can care for her, for that girl... but will never get it.

i still await the passing of this grief that i feel, this constant yearning for the girl who will never yearn for me again...

and i still await myself to be free from the constraints of a love that was never meant to be, but came to be, and stayed alive for so long....

making it work

making it work... making ME work, rather. it seems every time i've tried to pick up and move on, more things seem to remind me of her... not that she cares, or anyone else for that matter, but this isn't about anyone else, this journal is about me... lol

anywho, today overall was a good day. it seems to be a turning point in my life. number one, an old friend, or ex-friend, rather, decided to show up at my doorstep and make amends. needless to say we did, but i think he really just needed someone serious to talk to and someone who could relate to his problem, which happens to be almost exactly like my current predicament. oh well, we're on good terms i guess now, so that's good...

another note: courtney decided to call me today... for what, i don't know, but she did and we talked for a whole like 3 seconds. then when i tried to call her, she had to leave, so i dunno about that. i don't know what is going to happen with her, my guess is nothing... yeah...

try not to look back at memories, look to the future with the hope of forgetting the past... that is my new motto...

sometimes you wonder why people do the things they do to people they say they love... i wonder that every day...

why i did the things i did... things i can tell nobody, if anybody at all, because i am so ashamed... so... utterly alone...

these are only words of an emo kid though, so nobody thinks anything of them.. oh well, let an emo kid be emo...

but as this emo kid emos on, he'll keep trying to make it work...

another night of prostitution

the only difference in my case is that i prostitute my services in the food hospitality industry. i spend all of my night kissing ass to people i don't know for a couple of dollars... wow... actually, tonight was a good night, overall... sixty bucks in five hours, can't complain...

one girl stood out tho... not only was she beautiful, i knew she was an awesome person because i've been around her... she loves concerts, and is just amazing...

oh well, that'll never happen anyways, but a kid can dream, can't he? one high point is that she left me a 5$ tip in the shape of a heart...

people say she has a history of leading guys on... oh well, lead me! lol j/k i'm not really concerned with anything right now... what happens happens, right?

the psychology of... me

ah, back to school.... how very exciting... actually, it kinda is, because it gives me a chance to start brand new. alot of the people i went out with before, or even hung out with graduated, so i'm off to make new impressions last. i've apparantly gotten off on a good foot already, cuz alot of girls have been talking to me, not to mention the guys who used to want nothing to do with me are asking me to hang out with them. it's the glasses... or lack there of.

not that i need the approval of the rest of the world, but i would like to start dating some people. that IS the only reason i wanted to come back to school...

already i've set up a date with a girl for next weekend, yay, and some other girl was eyeballing me today, not to menion following me on the way home, cool. both seem really cool, and are people i'd like to hang out with.

oh well, as far as myself and work are concerned, it's a job. every time i go, it gets less painful to see courtney. yes, ladies and gents, she has a name. i don't know why i'm bothered so much by the fact, but just seeing her brings back so many old memories. i probably would have left already if it hadn't been for the fact that the money is good. i'm only seventeen, and i'm serving, i can't do that anywhere else.

it's really hard seeing ur ex flirt with guys, and be hit on, quite frankly it sucks. but i always tell myself it's for the better, not to mention the fact that now i'm free.... but being free never sounded so bad. to go from security and love to nothing in a flash is terrifying. to be out in the world vulnerable and alone, that's even scarier.

i'm not saying i'm a weak kid, i'm as resiliant as they come, but i do have a fear of people. bad experiences in the past... well, i don't know, that's enough ranting for now, i'll be back later to finish this...

ciao

My chaos theory

I think that the butterfly effect is my new favorite movie...

to think that to have the ability to change one detail in your life, one miniscule fact in the tangled skien called life, would be incredible. to be able to alter the one regret you have in your life and see what your life could be afterward, would be something i would never have dreamed of. this movie has hit me in a way i never thought a movie could, it opened my eyes to a whole new aspect of life. not that i can change anything, but that i can learn to live with what i have and what i have done.

i have many regrets in my life, i give you that, but if i could change one i would jump at that chance. the pain of loss is one that is hard to bear, but the pain of never knowing what you've lost is even greater. to know that you've copped out on something that could have been extraordinary, is the most painful of all...

today, for the first time in a few weeks, i felt a calm i have never felt before. it was as if all burden had been lifted for only a brief second, that i, atlas, had the world off of my shoulders for just a second to rest, and then to bear it all again. talking to friends helps get me through... but this journal will help me reflect later on what i have done in my life, and how i should deal later...

Life, in the eyes of an angel

I'm not really an angel...

every kid goes through that point in life where they are afraid to be alone. They are so scared of rejection that they would do anything to be accepted... I'm not one of those kids. I am the kid who has been there so many times, loneliness is but another means of existence. Don't get me wrong, I do have friends, but it that eminent presences of understanding that lacks in almost all of them.

every day I look at it and tell myself that today is a new day, a new beginning, a new leaf to overturn and start again. And every day my world crashes down around me in a giant fireball of well... Ice? No, just kidding, but seriously I do wonder why I always set myself up for disappointment. I'm not some whiny little kid with a personality defect, I have friends, fun, and excitement, I just don't like to reflect on that aspect of my life. Why log what I'm happy with when logging what I'm unhappy with will do so much more? An online journal or a journal of any type, for that matter should be an analyzation of who you are. btw, spell check sucks.... anyways, a journal should be a container of all of your bad feelings, mixed with good, but predominantly bad. i can tell you right now, it is alot more effective to express your pain on paper, or monitor, in this case, than to talk about mediocre issues of life. any memory that makes you happy may eventually fade away, and any event that changes your life dramatically will not. any emotion of pain is permanantly embedded into your mind, subconsiously or consiously, but it is still there, and you will always feel and remember it. the only way to expend that pain is to write about it.

people don't know me. they see this mellow, funloving, atttractive*cough* ahem, ATTRACTIVE guy, and when we have writing exercises in which we have to share afterwards, they see someone else. someone in pain, in love, someone so deep that he is an abyss of emotion. nobody ever thinks that of me. not until they hear what i write. how i feel, what i say, nobody ever sees that. writing is how i get my anger, sadness, fear, frustration, every negative emotion out of my body, writing, in essence ties me to sanity. if i did not write, i would not be alive right now.

every time i look at myself... i don't know what to think anymore. i don't know what to expect every day i dont' know how i will make it through... but i always do, and will continue to for now....


words of an emo kid are not words that beg for pity. they are words that the kid writes to keep from breaking down. as people break me, i will continue to write. this journal, if u will, is not then an actual journal, but rather a collection of thought from a "kid" who has experienced so much pain, that if i were to tell you my life story, you would be in tears, and that in fact, is the way i like to have it....

depression is the only feeling everyone has, all the time. if you don't learn to live off of it, it will control you. emo kids and emo music are often what people make it out to be; a cry for pity, a cry for whatever emotion they can get out of you... a true "emo band"/kid wouldn't care about any of that. and you know that because he is the one who will play a song and have an audiance to tears at the end, because they can feel the emotions and pain that that artist has written... that in essence is what emo should be....

another day, another dose of reality

you ever get that feeling, where u know someone is trying their damndest to hold back from you, but all that they want in the end is to have you in their arms again? i have to SEE that feeling, every time, the look of longing in a person's eyes who refuses a relationship that would ultimately make her happy. i have to see her in pain every day, to feign happiness, coming to work with a hangover because the endeavor to forget a broken past leads to another journey through another painful day. i have to watch her force herself away, when, out of the corner of my eyes i can see her wanting nothing more than just to have someone to talk to. people at work constantly ask me what's wrong with her, where she is, what she does, the answers surprise some, and others suspect them. the most painful thing to do is to watch someone who you've loved so much tear themselves down because they're afraid. they're afraid of change, committment, love, afraid of anything that would in the end complete their lives. have you ever met someone who was afraid of having a nice b/f? i have.... i dated her... someone who was afraid of my getting her flowers at random, getting her presents at every special occasion, making her feel like she was the only girl in the world who was perfect. someone afraid of... herself...

i look back at a relationship that never should have been, i look back at all the trauma we both endured, together, all the heartache and pain. and sometimes i wish it never happened.... sometimes i wish that i never jumped headfirst into a relationship i knew would never be. but more often than not, i long for her to come back, for her to be in my arms again, so i can protect her and tell her everything will be okay again. for her protection from everything i feared everything i dreaded from the rest of the world. i don't care what she did to me, i don't care what happened in the past, i just want to start over with her, create a new beginning to a story who's plot has strayed from the initial story. but that will never happen, because she will never let it.

it hurts to try to just pick up and move on, but every day gets better. it hurts even more when the person you love-and thought loved you- tells you she will never go back out with you because no matter how much she wants to, she simply won't let it. it hurts most when you have to watch that girl torture herself every day, and then pretend she's okay. and in the end, i have to pretend that i'm okay, that in the end, everything that's happened will make me stronger.

it's not okay, it's slowly tearing me apart....

today is a beginning to something old

words of an emo kid... that's me, i'm angel. yeah, i don't care who reads this or what they think about it, these are my words, my situations, my venting. i do this, well, because i can't keep track of journals on paper.... sad, huh? yeah... this journal is my link to sanity, my lifeline, if you will. it will keep me alive to vent, not to entertain, and much less to meet people. i hope to reflect on these entries and later laugh at them, not gonna happen soon, i presume... i dont' care if anyone ever reads these, they are for anyone to see. and so commences the story of an emo kid.


little song i tried to write.... tried as in i got the chorus:

Chorus
And so i try, to keep it all inside,
to hide away the truth,
to take away the pain of me and you,
to keep the tears at bay, as i slowly fade away,
i don't know what to do, i need me and you....