i never thought...

i never thought i'd be the guy who waits by the phone or checks his email every 3 minutes, just to see if someone called, or emailed me... i've never really been that kind of guy. i never was the type of person to sit around and whittle my day away waiting for someone to email me or call me... both of which i was sure wouldn't happen, but i had nothing better to do, so i did it anyways...

man, i'm pathetic, no? it's insane the lengths i'm willing to go to, just to get to talk to someone who isn't even interested in me... or maybe is, but isn't interested in showing her interest in me... lol

man, i'm bored... hmm oh well, i guess i'm gone for tonight...

"once you leave neverland, you forget how to fly..."

thank you...

this is a reminder for me to thank everyone who's been there for me in my most trying times... a reminder to say thank you to everyone who supported me, who guided me, who helped make me into who i am today...

i think that by saying thank you, i say so much more to my friends. i think that in the end, it's great for me to go and be thankful for everyone, even through good times and bad...

for all of the times when i thought i wasn't going to make it, somehow i pulled through, and i think that it's cool that there were people there to help me along the way.... excellent.

i think that the one person who helped me most would be courtney though... most definately... she's been there for me when nobody else knew what to do, when nobody else knew what was going on... so yeah, special thanks to her, remind me someday...


it's so wierd, it's like, i'm writing this blog like i talk to someone, well, i guess i am talking to someone, but not really... it's like talking to myself, does that make me crazy? i dunno, i haven't really read anyone else's blogs, so i dunno... lol... but it helps me, cuz when i get the urge i can come back and read these, and they either make me laugh or cry... sometimes i need that...

i've been downloading alot of music lately, and one song that i can't get out of my head is seether... it's insane... broken is an incredible song, and just makes me think of alot of the things in my past... it's lke the song written for me, lol. it describes every feelign i get when i think of this one person, and how even now, after so long, they can still exsist... it's crazy... but oh well...

just a little verse from the song,

i wanted you to know, that i love the way you laugh,
i wanna hold you high and steal your pain, away,
i keep your photographs, and i know it serves me well,
i wanna hold you high and steal your pain....

lovely, i love that song, i dunno why... insane...

enough of that.... THANK YOU EVERYONE WHO WAS THERE FOR ME... I LOVE YOU ALL, AND I KNOW YOU ALL LOVE ME SOMEHOW... lol.... there, reminder is complete, now next time iread this, i won't forget...

"once you leave neverland, you forget how to fly..."

somewhere in between

i'm somewhere in between... in between myself and... life. in between the sorrow which is me, and the life which could be me again, the happiness and love, the things that made me normal...

i'm between surrendering to the sorrow which consumes me, or continuing to fight it, which at this point seems futile... really, i just need another job. lol i just need to get away from all of the old feelings, from all of the old sensations, and things which make me the way i am...

i feel like i'm made of glass... it's like people can see straight through me, and i don't know if that's good or bad. no matter how much of a front i try to put up, people can still tell who i am, and how i am... i don't even know who i am... so how can other people... i know that i'm someone who doesn't abandon my friends, someone who doesn't believe in decieving anyone, and someone who is genuine... who i am beyond that is unknown. i've never been able to explain to myself what i want... i've never been able to explain to other people what i want either...

it sounds like all i ever do is bitch, oh my life is so bad, woe is me, bullshit bullshit bullshit.... yeah, i keep reminding myself that that is why i have this blog. so i can bitch to myself and read it all later. lol, funny, no? yeah, laugh it up angel. well, in the end, i can't help who i am or how i feel. the only thing i'm positive of right now is my love for courtney, someone who refuses to love me back... or if she does in fact love me, refuses to show it...

i don't know what's keeping her from doing anything.... well, maybe i do... oh well, life will go on, i keep telling myself that, now i just have to try to believe it...

"once you leave neverland, you forget how to fly..."

made of glass

so now i wait... painfully seeking redemption from the person who can make me whole again... it's not that i can't be with anyone right now, well, i can't... but it's not that there is a lack of those who wish to be with me... it's that there is a lack of chemistry, because it's hard to fall in love with your heart doesn't belong to you anymore... when it's still with someone else, and they don't know that they still have it, you tend to forget how to love someone else.... you tend to forget everything...

my heart is made of glass, and has been shattered into a million pieces. but i'm willing to glue each piece back together and give it all back to the person who broke it... she means that much to me, and i would do anything for her to have my heart, and love it like she used to. i was told she still cares, what do i have to do for her to see that i care too? when will she give into what she wants, and make things better for her and i again?

nobody could ever love courtney like i do... nobody could ever go through what i went through with her, and still care so intensely. a coworker once said i'm too mature for her... i think that's true... i'm a person willing to settle down with this woman, me being only seventeen, and be with her for the rest of my life... i care not for anyone else, even if i may lust for some, with her, i feel complete... i could love her more than anyone else, and i've already sacrificed more than anyone could ever sacrifice for her, short of life itself... when will she see that? when....when will i see that the effort is futile?

she's on my mind every waking moment, every second i'm awake... and it's only because i WANT her there.... i WANT to think about her, i WANT to be around her.... and in essence, i WANT to hurt myself time and time again... i can't take it, but i endure anyways.... i can't... i can't even function properly... what's worse is that she knows i still love her... i've told her, and it's in every action i make.... i'm empty.... and nothing can fill me...

my soul lies torn and tattered.... my body remains crumbled and broken... and my heart, my heart remains in shambles, but slowly coming together again... all of this i'm willing to sacrifice again, to a girl, a woman, who is so complete with sorrow, i think she knows not what she needs or wants... but that isn't for me to decide...

please tell me, what's wrong with someone who brings you flowers for no reason? someone who is willing to pay for everything that u do together. someone who, everytime he goes somewhere without you, brings you a gift from where he was, so that he can see you smile when he sees you again... someone who is willing to spend over 3 hundred dolllars, in one week for you, so that you may go to talahassee with him. is it wrong for me to care about someone so much that iwould give my spirit to them just to see her smile again, to hear her laugh, to feel her kiss.... i would say no, but apparantly, that's not the case.

i toss myself pathetically at her mercy, week after grueling week, and repeatedly get kicked down... how many times can i do that... i don't know... i can't even fathom it... but the sad reality is, that i'm willing to do it as many times as it takes, adn if that doesn't work, i'll do it again, and again, until i die one way or the other... until i die in spirit or in life. she loves me, it's in the way she looks at me, the way she acts around me, the way i feel her around me... now i just need her to love me the way she used to, without any boundaries, or any worries, just with her heart...

everything she did to me, i'm willing to forgive, and do it again... if she cheated on me, so be it.... whatever she did, i care not... i just want her back, and i'm willling to tell the world, to tell everyone... to proclaim it from rooftops, to write it in the sky, to spell it in the sand, and to show her with my heart...

but she'll never see it, becuase she doesn't want to.... maybe one day that will change...

"once you leave neverland, you forget how to fly..."

finding myself

fuck me.... i almost killed myself last night... intentionally... i was driving, and just wanted to run myself off of the road so that i would crash and die... isn't that crazy? oh well... it's funny, how u think u're good without something, and in the end, u feel worthless without it...

i tell everyone depression is my favorite emotion, that it's the easiest to control. this all is true, but at the same time i miss the one emotion i had absolutely no control over. and that's love. love made me do things i never imagined i could, or do things that i never would do... but now it's like... what's the point?

people say that i always seem depressed, i always seem to have these songs in my head that are sad, or things that make my sad. i'm not gonna lie. i always am depressed... the one person who can take care of this, doesn't even know i'm like this... and thus, i dunno what to do. i sent an email to her the other day, and she hasn't responded... i think she hates me, either that or is too afraid to respond, for fear of what will happen between us... who knows, it may not be a bad thing....

i've never ever been clear on what i wanted, ask anyone and they will vouch for that. but for the one time in my life, i know exactly what i want. i was so inarticualte to her about us, because iwas so childish throughout that fuckin relationship. now i wish i could take it all back and start over. if it had the same results so be it, but at least i wouldn't feel so empty anymore... who knows maybe i just need to wait and see what she does... it seems that there are alot of conflicting feelings within her, and maybe she just needs to sort them out... we'll see i guess...

oh well, i'm trying to find myself, and am only getting more and more lost in the process... somebody please save me...

"once you leave neverland, you forget how to fly..."

questions left unanswered...

Sometimes you wonder why things happen. and why things are said. i learned courtney still cares about me, but she won't do anything, and i can't do anything cuz i'm too scared. i learned alot of things, and i... *sigh* i just wish i didn't ever fuck us up. ya no? it feels like i'm incompatiable with everyone else, and she's the only one that can understand me. it feels like i can't articulate my feelings to her, and i'm sick of it... maybe i can talk to her... i don't know, i'm so scared to. maybe i'll email her soon, and see what's going on down there, and if i can do anything with it.

it's not that i'm incapable of dating... i've been on many dates since her, and none of them work... it sucks. nobody clicks with me as well as she does, i don't understand it... it's insane how she can just rip every emotion out of me, and then slowly replace them... there were alot of unsaid feeligns, alot of buried skeletons, that never resurfaced, and thus made our relationship harder. i don't know if it's too late to get them off of my chest or not... i'm gonna venture out and see if i can take care of this once and for all... because now it's time to throw all care to the wind, in a couple of weeks i'll no longer be working there, and then i'll have no shame in saying the things to her.... so here we go.... let's hold our breath, and take our hands, and maybe find something out of this mess we call life...

And when i wake up you'll be there,
and it will be the way it was.... the way it was....
i want our life... i want us back...


"once you leave neverland, you forget how to fly..."

whee

crazy stuff, recently i decided to do this whole teen dating thingy called espinthebottle or something like that... i was bored, and it popped up on my guitar tab site, so iwas like what the hell... well, as i browsed different girls and stuff, i came upon this one, who seemed pretty cool.... i sent her some little note and we started talking...

her name is rebecca... she is totally amazing... she is like the coolest girl i've met, and she only lives 30 min away.... well, with me driving, anyways... she is so awesome, and she's agreed to go to holloween horror nights w/me... on top of that... she wants to go clubbing... which is pretty cool, so we can dance. this girl, i dunno, we connected on the first night, just talking and stuff....

enthusiastic readers will wonder, where will this go? i don't konw... no do i care to, cuz she is awesome, and i'm living life one day at a time... where my life chooses to go, i'll know not... so we'll see...

"once you leave neverland, you forget how to fly"

just go with it...

just go with it... i think that's going to be my new motto. i saw the girl next door today, which by the way, was totally fuckin awesome, and not at all what i expected. that movie taught me to just go with it, and live life for all it's worth. so fuck it.

fuck what people think and how i decide to act around them... because i'm not gonna be here for much longer anyways. fuck all of the shit that i put up with, just so i can please people around me, fuck it all.

i'm done pining over people who like to play with my mind, done pining over people who have torn me down. i'm done trying to impress the people who don't give a shit about me, and done trying to fuckin do everything... lol...

the crue is back, so to speak.. ramon broke up w/his g/f, for w/e reason, i am free, and so we shall persue the love of the ladies... i mean what?

man, i'm so fuckin hyped! omg, i'm gonna explode and shit... this is crazy.. it's like, i'm not tied down anymore.. i can do whatever the fuck i want... it's obvious nobody wants a relationship with me right now, so why not just get crazy and live it up?!?!

man it's so fuckin crazy out here... let's tear it up, shall we?! this is great, so much is changing... no freakin way. oh well, let's just go balls out, and take life by the tits, and then... SUCK THEM!!!!

sry ladies.... i didn't mean that, i promise...

"once you leave neverland, you forget how to fly..."

for just a moment...

for just a moment, i drift into thought, drift into the calm of the storm, if you will... and in that moment i know that i'm okay, that everything is fine. for a little while, i feel like everything is going to work out, and that everything is going to be great in the end.

having this hurricane pass by has left me much time to think, when i'm not being bitched at by my mother. being alone at my room, staring up at my ceiling, i am left to dream about much stuff... as i stare up into nothing, thoughts race through my mind, things that i thought i kept stored away in the boxes of yesterday. as they come out, i think about it... there is not coherency, no set pattern, it's whatever comes up at the time...

if i could be anywhere right now, i'd be in the arms of someone that loved me. i would be in the embrace of someone who cared about me, and someone who would protect me. but i can't be anywhere right now, and i can't be in the arms of that person, because as of right now, that person doesn't exsist..

most people get the chance to experience the stopping of time for a moment.... i get that chance almost every day. it's the time, where for just a moment, time stops, as you gaze into the eyes of someone else, you can sense nothing but their presence. when you odn't care what happens to you, you could die right then, as long as that person's face was the last thing you saw....

time stops for a moment, and that moment's gone...

for just a moment, my mind drifts to that feeling, and for just a moment i long for that feeling again...

for just a moment, i long for you....

"once you leave neverland, you forget how to fly..."

seeing through blind eyes

alot of people are gonna bitch about frances.... i'm one of them. i don't see the necessity in freaking out over a storm that is constantly weakening... oh well, w/e pops their rocks.. the way i see it, we're moving plants and stuff, only to have them moved back after a little rain... maybe i may be proved wrong this go-around, no?

seeing through blind eyes, tough, isn't? that's how i feel right now, just kinda aloof, i guess. hrm, i was thinking of all the confusion in my mind, and came to the conclusion that i will have to distance myself from some of the people i care about in order to protect myself.

"maybe, things happen for a reason,
wherein lies the answer, to overcome the greiving,
of life's unruly lessons, i'm handed in succession,
it builds my pain, which makes me stronggg....."

those lyrics mean alot, because they bear truth... in order not to hurt myself, i'm gonna have to move away from some people i love, so that we don't hurt each other... confusion is gone, now it's a sense of depravity, a sense of knowing without proving... i must break that feeling and get going...

i love you, whoever you are, whoever reads this, i love you with the upmost intensity that i have felt love before. if you feel that love is equal, than you know who you are, if not, then you will never know..

i speak through the mouth of a mute, threfore, you will never hear the words i scream to you... you will never hear anything from my mouth, my heart, because i can't speak to you... i am but a ghost in a world full of nothing... and so i shall fade away into that nothingness, and you will not bat an eye, because you can't see me, and even if you can, i can't see you....

"once you leave neverland, you forget how to fly..."

wandering into tranquility

i'm wandering into a place of silence, a tranquil area which i haven't meandered into before... as i look around, i feel safe, like all of the pain is washed away.... it's like all of my past is forgotten, it never will be, but it feels like it...

i've said before that if i were to write a story on my life, the story would be perfect.... i thought of a movie about my life, with a little tweaking, but it'd be cool... if i could get the patience to do something about it. no, it wouldn't be happy, or funny.... it'd be a movie about the trials of a teenager's life, my life, and it would convey every hardship and feeling i ever felt... but that will never happen, like other things...

i leave all the conveying of feelings to my songs and poems.... which are mediocre at best anyways. oh well, i don't write them to entertain, i write to vent.. yay

i hate burdening people with my problems, and usually they don't ask, and i odn't tell.... there's one girl tho, who really shows she cares... she is amazing, it's crazy. she picks up on all of my moods, all of my words are heard by her. she cares about me, and i love her for it. sometimes i find myself in turmoil, and she always pulls me out... she's great...

one day i hope to marry a girl like her, one day when i date around more.. lol.... maybe someone like her will come sometime soon... so i can care about her, and give her flowers, and talk to her... and not be afraid....

i don't want to be scared and alone anymore.... i hope someone rescues me...


"once you leave neverland, you forget how to fly..."

my nee nees are hurting... on the inside...

if you don't know what nee nees are, you're not my friend.... but anyways, it's the kinda hurt where something is missing... ya no? guess not... but however.. looking into more shiza for pizaint bizall, and whatnot, not finding too much....

i love hanging out with my friends, which i did today... but i'd love having a girl around even more... don't you hate it when somone sends you mixed messages.. total suxor...

school is offically anal-raping me.... and the hurricane isn't helping too much...

on happier notes, i've taken up drawing and writing again... yay... i'm still somewhat okay at it, but that's for now, we'll see within the next few whatevers...

i hope the right girl comes along, but we'll see when that happens...

"once you leave neverland, you forget how to fly..."