finding myself

fuck me.... i almost killed myself last night... intentionally... i was driving, and just wanted to run myself off of the road so that i would crash and die... isn't that crazy? oh well... it's funny, how u think u're good without something, and in the end, u feel worthless without it...

i tell everyone depression is my favorite emotion, that it's the easiest to control. this all is true, but at the same time i miss the one emotion i had absolutely no control over. and that's love. love made me do things i never imagined i could, or do things that i never would do... but now it's like... what's the point?

people say that i always seem depressed, i always seem to have these songs in my head that are sad, or things that make my sad. i'm not gonna lie. i always am depressed... the one person who can take care of this, doesn't even know i'm like this... and thus, i dunno what to do. i sent an email to her the other day, and she hasn't responded... i think she hates me, either that or is too afraid to respond, for fear of what will happen between us... who knows, it may not be a bad thing....

i've never ever been clear on what i wanted, ask anyone and they will vouch for that. but for the one time in my life, i know exactly what i want. i was so inarticualte to her about us, because iwas so childish throughout that fuckin relationship. now i wish i could take it all back and start over. if it had the same results so be it, but at least i wouldn't feel so empty anymore... who knows maybe i just need to wait and see what she does... it seems that there are alot of conflicting feelings within her, and maybe she just needs to sort them out... we'll see i guess...

oh well, i'm trying to find myself, and am only getting more and more lost in the process... somebody please save me...

"once you leave neverland, you forget how to fly..."