somewhere in between

i'm somewhere in between... in between myself and... life. in between the sorrow which is me, and the life which could be me again, the happiness and love, the things that made me normal...

i'm between surrendering to the sorrow which consumes me, or continuing to fight it, which at this point seems futile... really, i just need another job. lol i just need to get away from all of the old feelings, from all of the old sensations, and things which make me the way i am...

i feel like i'm made of glass... it's like people can see straight through me, and i don't know if that's good or bad. no matter how much of a front i try to put up, people can still tell who i am, and how i am... i don't even know who i am... so how can other people... i know that i'm someone who doesn't abandon my friends, someone who doesn't believe in decieving anyone, and someone who is genuine... who i am beyond that is unknown. i've never been able to explain to myself what i want... i've never been able to explain to other people what i want either...

it sounds like all i ever do is bitch, oh my life is so bad, woe is me, bullshit bullshit bullshit.... yeah, i keep reminding myself that that is why i have this blog. so i can bitch to myself and read it all later. lol, funny, no? yeah, laugh it up angel. well, in the end, i can't help who i am or how i feel. the only thing i'm positive of right now is my love for courtney, someone who refuses to love me back... or if she does in fact love me, refuses to show it...

i don't know what's keeping her from doing anything.... well, maybe i do... oh well, life will go on, i keep telling myself that, now i just have to try to believe it...

"once you leave neverland, you forget how to fly..."