so much to say, but unable to speak

i have so much i want to say, but i can't talk. i can't allow myself to say the things that i want to say. i have been posting alot more here than i have lately, i dunno why, i just have alot i feel that i need to get out, i guess. this whole situation is still a little overwhelming, i guess. at work today, my mind was only on caitlin... i was in a daze all of work, i dunno why, i just wanted to be able to revel in her thought.

today i tried to get close to her, but it seemed as thought she was pushing me away. no matter how i tried, she wouldn't soften up to me, but it's okay... i should have expected that much. towards the end there was a little hand holding and she was playing with my hair, and i was content with that.... maybe one day we'll be back to how it used to be, i dunno.

one thing i have noticed though, is that we live our lives totally differently. caitlin is very cautious, and calculated, while i tend to do what i feel is right at the time, regardless of the reprecussions. i don't know, maybe that's a problem that i have, maybe it isn't. i wanted so badly today to kiss her, but i don't know if that's hwat she wanted, so i didn't. i stayed away, which i have a feeling is what she wants from me right now. i don't know. i am so spontaneous, today it was kinda killer to just have to be calm and partially collected. hopefully things will get better, but if not, i won't complain, i dont' have the right to.

maybe it'll all work out in the end though.

"once you leave neverland, you forget how to fly..."