this plague...

this plague is tormenting my mind, and i can't really do anything to get away from it. i am faced with the delimma that i have dreaded coming to, and iknow not how to deal with it. i want to scream how i feel, but i don't know how i feel. on one hand, i love this girl, caitlin, and i know she loves me back, but not the way i love her. i can face this dream and try to pursue what isn't there, or just move on. the only problem is if i move on, i'll have to move on completely and leave her behind, and idon't know if i can do that....

to leave someone that i love behind would hurt so much, but would it be better in the end? i don't know. i think that i'm crazy sometimes. but i just don't know anymore.... why do i always set myself up? i mean, i kiss this girl, and i fall in love with her, knowing that i'll never have her. i go to her and depend on her company, and it makes me whole. and in then end, i just end up hurting myself. great... fucking great.... then today, i made the biggest mistake i could have made. i made a move on her, and kissed her, for a long time. and it was one of the greatest kisses i've ever had. it was one of those ones where the memory of it remains a blur and in the end, you're trying to figure out what had just happened. but, it's not meant to be, nor will it ever be...

i don't know anymore, maybe i just need to pick up and go, and just leave this behind, no matter how much it will kill me inside. even if i die, at least i know that she will be happy, and that it will be okay. i don't need to hurt anyone else but myself, and that alone is enough. to hurt someone i love so completely, would be a catastrophe. i couldn't handle it. and i refuse to.

decisions have to be made, before i bring everyone around me down, and i hope i will make the right one. she has made her decision, and i need to make mine now... maybe it'll come to me someday...

"once you leave neverland, you forget how to fly..."