lost in the abyss called love

lost in the abyss called love am i... how did i do this again? i know not... i find myself facing a delimma i never have faced before, and i find myself torn between two alternatives....

i can't imagine what is going to happen, nor do i want to, but maybe putting all of this on my journal will help clarify things...

one the one hand, i could tell this girl how i am feeling, and have her even more confused and swayed by her emotions, or i could keep myself severed from her emotionally, and then let her be happy and keep myself sane in the process...

the question is how do i feel about her? i don't know... i love her, that is known, but how much? do i confess the extent to which i care about her, or do i only hint at what could be and leave it at that...

the girl herself is in a confused state as well. she's bouncing between what physical attraction she has towards me, or what emotional connection she has with her b/f... yeah... i don't know what is going on anymore... scary.

i don't want to interfere with her life, and it seems i have no choice... she is my best friend... my confidant... my... she is too much to me...

maybe that is why i have these conflicting feelings... i will always be left with the wonder of what could have been... but i am afraid of trying to start something... i am afraid of everything...

i am afraid of starting something i can't finish, afraid of falling deeper in love with someone and losing her again, afraid of being afraid....

i am so scared of what could happen that right now i shiver when i think about it...

it could easily become the best experience or the worst in my life... and i think not of the connections that could be made or broken...

she and i have so much in common, can understand each other so well, it uncanny... but at the same time, i don't want to rip away a part of her she will always need, and i think it would hurt more to know that she is with me and needs someone else than being with the person she needs and me being her friend....

if i could just kiss her once, feel the caress of her lips against mine, for just an instant, to feel the flicker of a spark that will never be, the spark that would ignite a firey relationship... i would be whole... to kiss the one person who truly understands me... the most pure person i can see in my eyes at this moment, the most beautiful, innocent, graceful being on this earth, to say that i touched her lips with mine, would be a gift from heaven...

if i could kiss an angel....