another day, another dose of reality

you ever get that feeling, where u know someone is trying their damndest to hold back from you, but all that they want in the end is to have you in their arms again? i have to SEE that feeling, every time, the look of longing in a person's eyes who refuses a relationship that would ultimately make her happy. i have to see her in pain every day, to feign happiness, coming to work with a hangover because the endeavor to forget a broken past leads to another journey through another painful day. i have to watch her force herself away, when, out of the corner of my eyes i can see her wanting nothing more than just to have someone to talk to. people at work constantly ask me what's wrong with her, where she is, what she does, the answers surprise some, and others suspect them. the most painful thing to do is to watch someone who you've loved so much tear themselves down because they're afraid. they're afraid of change, committment, love, afraid of anything that would in the end complete their lives. have you ever met someone who was afraid of having a nice b/f? i have.... i dated her... someone who was afraid of my getting her flowers at random, getting her presents at every special occasion, making her feel like she was the only girl in the world who was perfect. someone afraid of... herself...

i look back at a relationship that never should have been, i look back at all the trauma we both endured, together, all the heartache and pain. and sometimes i wish it never happened.... sometimes i wish that i never jumped headfirst into a relationship i knew would never be. but more often than not, i long for her to come back, for her to be in my arms again, so i can protect her and tell her everything will be okay again. for her protection from everything i feared everything i dreaded from the rest of the world. i don't care what she did to me, i don't care what happened in the past, i just want to start over with her, create a new beginning to a story who's plot has strayed from the initial story. but that will never happen, because she will never let it.

it hurts to try to just pick up and move on, but every day gets better. it hurts even more when the person you love-and thought loved you- tells you she will never go back out with you because no matter how much she wants to, she simply won't let it. it hurts most when you have to watch that girl torture herself every day, and then pretend she's okay. and in the end, i have to pretend that i'm okay, that in the end, everything that's happened will make me stronger.

it's not okay, it's slowly tearing me apart....