running away from reality...

i'm but a teenager, but i feel as if i'm a weathered man. i feel that life has taken it's toll on me and has made me broken, beaten, and blinded... i feel that no matter what i do, nothing will ever be right, and no matter how i try, i won't ever be me again...

i hastily run from reality, into the arms of someone who i only wish would hold me tight forever, and although she has made her answer clear, i still try to find solace in her embrace. only now, it's so hard to enjoy what i know isn't mine. sometimes i need a day to run away, to just hide and be alone, and sometimes i find myself screaming for someone to save me. now i just feel empty...

DREAMING OF YOU
tears stream down my face, as i type the words to my soul,
my fingers can't keep up, and my heart is losing control,
my eyes are clenched tight, as i'm ripping at the seams,
my mouth is open wide, but no one can hear my screams,

my mind is going numb, as i breath the evening air,
and my life is leaving slowly, as i sink into despair,
i feel my body float away, towards the moonlit sky,
and i leave this world of sorrow, without ever saying goodbye,

i enter a place full of light, as if next to the morning sun,
and i see your face shining bright, and i feel that all is done,
i feel so complete and full, i'm bubbling with renewed life,
and god has taken all my pain, relieved me of my strife,

and suddenly i'm dragged back down, into a dark room of sadness,
and i realize it was all a dream, and i'm still held within this madness,
tears are streaming down my face, as i try to recount this amazing dream,
and my mouth is open wide, but no one can hear my screams...


maybe someday someone will hear me....

"once you leave neverland, you forget how to fly..."

indecision, indecision...

sometimes i wish people would just tell you how they felt without caring about how you will see them, about how it will affect you... i wish people were more up front... sometiems that hurts more than being alone...

sometimes i wish that i could change things, to make it easier for everyone involved, and sometimes i just wish... i just wish for everything...

i have a song in the works right now, but i think i'm gonna scrap it... i don't know anymore, it's not any good, maybe i'lll just stop writing altogether. i had some connections at a chocolate maker and was gonna get together and make this awesome christmas present for my friend, but i don't know if i want to do that anymore, i don't know anything anymore....

indecision is crazy, it is probably the most painful feeling in the world, to feel like you're being pulled around in these directions, only to be let go in an unfamiliar place with more worries than u started with. sometimes i wish i could make decisions for people, soemtimes i wish i could just take care of everything in one fell swoop and be done with it...

but it can't and won't be this way, so now i'm left alone and wanting, and with that, confusion and more is beginnning to set in... maybe i should just end this all, right now, and be done with it...

on a lighter note, i'm gonna be getting 2 new speakers dirt cheap, as well as my 2 old broken ones repaired, so i'll have 4 subs in my car... yay... plus i might be getting rims, so we'll see...

i'm feeling shitty right now, so i'll post more later

"once you leave neverland, you forget how to fly..."

carpe diem

carpe diem- Used as an admonition to seize the pleasures of the moment without concern for the future.

carpe diem... today would be an example of that. sieze the day, today i was ambushed and amazed by somebody i would never have guessed would sieze the day... it's insane, i'm just like, wow... out of this world completely.. and i don't know if i'll regain control...

for now, i'll revel in this dream which has become a reality... and look to the future for other dreams to surface into what i had always wanted...

"once you leave neverland, you forget how to fly..."

today's the day i'll fade away

tonight i went to the movies with the girl that every guy has dreams about. haha, seriously, check this out. a girl who is amazingly beautiful, enjoys movies with just pure slapstick comedy in it, is intelligent beyond comparison, and burps at any given second... man, that right there is the definition of the perfect girl, haha.... but tonight i think i blew it...

i close myself off so badly that i become someone other than myself. i in essence become a babbling idiot without any sense of security. i can crack jokes and be me, but i still shut myself down... maybe that in the end will become my downfall. i'm just a scaredy cat, i guess... oh well, maybe one day i'll break out of it.. haha

i don't know what is keeping me from going out there and being with people. i mean, i always have this wierd feeling of something, like just an odd aura that surrounds me. i dunno how obvious i make it, but it's just there. and with this girl, she makes it go away for a moment, she lets me be myself without being scared. and i made myself an idiot.

heh, maybe god is trying to tell me something... maybe not. oh well, in the end, whatever happens happens, and we'll see how everything turns out, no? yeah...

for now i'll just fade, and maybe it'll all be okay in the end...

"once you leave neverland, you forget how to fly..."

tomorrow is another day...

tomorrow is another day, but today has just begun, and yesterday seems so far away... i can't help but think back to the day courtney came over, which was friday... she just showed up at my doorstep, and we had a talk... i think she just wanted to have someone to talk to, and i guess i fit the job description... oh well, i mean, i don't think i'll complain about it, i'm just glad she did it... hopefully one day, i'll get to have a real conversation with her, and get all of my feelings out on the table...

i learned that she is moving to talahassee with her b/f... great for her, whoop de frickin doo.... apparantly her family isn't too keen on it, and they are making it very apparant.... sometimes i wonder what would have happened if we had stayed together. like would things be smoother, or would we both be better off... lol, oh well, yesterday will never come again, so i guess i should stop living in the past....

lol i think i fell in love the other night. but of course, i won't do anything about it... time to explain, huh? okay, well, i went out with some friends the other night, and she came with us. during the car ride there, it was uncannily easy to talk to her, and it was amazingly awesome the vibes i was getting from her... lol. i found out she plays paintball, along with other guyish things, which is the most massive turn on ever. lol and to top all that off, she's incredibly beautiful. it's insane... like all night, i couldn't take my eyes off of her. haha, an emo kid with emo dreams. of course i won't pursue anything, one-cuz she's way way WAY outta my league, and two, she's way outta my league... besides, i don't feel like anyone is attracted to me, so i guess i'll just play it safe and stay alone... it's way easier that way, if it didn't suck so much.

on another note, i get my tonsils out tomorrow... horray... i'm supposed to lose like 10-15 lbs, maybe god will smile upon me and make me lose more? i'm just really psyched cuz i can start to work out and skate again, not to mention play paintball without folley, or throwing up.... these things have been a bitch... i'm supposed to be down and out for 10 days, we'll see about that.. i'll probably be ending up going to school again within 3 days, hopefully. i can't miss school.... plus, i can't miss work either, i need the dinero like massively bad. i'll die without it... am i nervous about the surgery? hellz no... i just hope i don't have to get naked... heh. but yeah, i'm not nervous, i'm happy, the faster these things get out, the faster i can start toning up my body... i feel so fat lately it's insane... maybe that'lll change sooon.... who knows...


oh well, we'll see, now won't we?

"once you leave neverland, you forget how to fly..."

me and da boyz

me



ramon... he are teh ghey... no i'm just kidding...


"once you leave neverland, you forget how to fly..."